I’m Jewish you know.   I have been laughing ever since I found out.

My first day at school and one of my classmates told me I was a dirty Jew so I went home and told my mother I needed a bath.   Would he lie to me?

What is it about Jews that makes us so funny.  And by funny I mean strange. 

It’s right in our religion.  The proof of our sense of the absurd is that God created the universe on the first day of the seventh month.  That’s right. Tishrei, the month of Rosh Hashannah, is the seventh month.  Apparently either god has a sense of humour, was playing lucky sevens or he slept in and time waits for no one.  This is also because god had no mother to tell him he was late for creation.

Speaking of new years, we as Jews also celebrate a new year for the seasons in Nisan and new year in Shevat for plants.  We are just party animals.

But when it comes to animals things do not seem to be fair.  We celebrate the New year not for the animals but for the tithing of the animals, which is basically when we decide which animals are ready to be sacrificed.  This is a happy occasion?  OK, OK the silver lining is that this the day when a horse learns whether he will race as a two year old or three year old.  You can bet on it.

Then we have these strange stories.  Cain sits on his brother Abel’s head everywhere he goes and one day, when god sees him alone and asks him where Abel is he says, “what, am I brother’s kipah?”

Abraham talks to God and because the barber pole used to be like this holy symbol in Ur, his home city, he goes in to see god and says “I’d like a little off the top.”

A few hours later he comes out and exclaims, “I thought I was getting a haircut!”

He was surprised and disappointed at the same time.  He was so angry he destroyed all the idols.

Then Moses also talks to god.  Moses was a good talker in defending Jews but he didn’t understand god’s instructions that well.  This is because, as a Sephardi Jew from Egypt, he didn’t speak Yiddish.  God says ask the rock for water and Moses goes and smashes the rock. 

So Moses says, “Hey anyone can make a little mistake.  It’s not like I’m gonna lose a chance to go to the promised land over it!”

Later God says to all the Israelites, “Everyone going to the promised land take one step forward…  Not so fast Moses!”

And Moses was a modest and humble guy.  Like when Moses was talking to god and said, “You want me to do what! 613 commandments?  That’s a little harsh.  Listen I don’t think I can handle 613, but could you give me your top ten.  As long as they’re not written in stone…  Oy my head is spinning.”

So god says, “here, take two tablets…”

Which is how we got to be the way we are.

Why anyone wants to become Jewish I don’t know.  Apparently they don’t have enough tsuris being a goy.

I had a friend who was trying out for the Ottawa Senators and trying to convert to Judaism at the same time.  Luckily he made the hockey team because when it came to being Jewish, he couldn’t make the cut.

Which brings me back to the gehakte tsoris or suffering we endure.  Fortunately over the years, we have developed religious rituals which allow us to destroy these difficulties by consuming them in the form of either gehakete leber or gehakte fish.

Some people consider that the suffering extends to the actual eating of the chopped liver and gefilte fish.  Well maybe the sweet gefilte fish.  

The whole entreprise is fishy.  Indeed when I came home from school dirty my mother ended up washing me in the fish water left over from the where the carp had been just before it became the gefilte fish. 

Which as I say, proves how funny it is to be Jewish.